I remember distinctly the first time I felt really envious of him. I’d always been a little envious. But here he was using the word that women are universally supposed to hate and he was using it to flirt … and he was doing it successfully.
We were at a party thrown by one of Mike’s friends. Mike was doing well for himself. He worked in banking. I’d moved into teaching. We’d only been out of university for about five years but I was already feeling jaded with my choice of career. I was talking with several others about global warming, amongst other things, but was straining to hear Mike’s much more interesting conversation. He’d attached himself to a woman, mid to late thirties, who was extremely attractive. She had that haughty air about her, a slightly spiteful, contemptuous look in her eyes. Only a man with extreme self confidence, or a fool, would approach this kind of women. I reached across a nearby table on the pretext of getting a wine bottle, and then managed to reposition myself in the group so that I could watch, as well as listen to Mike’s efforts.
‘Yes, I hunt as often as I can…’ the woman was saying. ‘Unfortunately, the season’s almost over so I’ll have to revert to the gym to keep myself fit. What about you? Do you have any hobbies?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Mike, ‘very similar to you … I love riding. Slightly different sort of riding, and the season’s much longer. In fact, it lasts all year, but if you’re good at it, it certainly keeps you fit.’
‘Oh,’ said the woman, looking rather bored, ‘I’m intrigued.’
‘Yes, it’s the Cunting season,’ said mike, ‘I love Cunting.’
‘I beg your pardon?’ said the woman, plainly shocked.
‘Cunting,’ said Mike, enthusiastically, ‘I’m an avid Cunter.’
He held up his hand to prevent any possible expression of outrage.
‘Let me explain,’ he said, looking directly into the woman’s eyes.
The woman didn’t seem to know how to react but she held Mike’s friendly eyes, interested in a conversation which was so out of place in this middle class setting… and there was something about him that made his remarks unthreatening.I was still expecting the sound of a slap.
‘Just let me explain how it works,’ said Mike. ‘First of all to be a good Cunter takes an enormous amount of practice and dedication. You don’t just become a Cunter overnight. If you want to be accepted as a first rate Cunt member it’s best to practice with one Cunt for a while before trying different Cunts then you get the respect of the Cunt fraternity.’
Mike said all this as enthusiastically as any novice explaining a new found hobby.
I couldn’t believe it, the woman started to laugh.
‘How many Cunts have you been on?’ she said, solemnly.
‘Oh not that many, I’m still a relative novice and there’ve been a number of Cunts that have turned me down.’
‘Oh, why would they do that?’
‘A bit too middle class some of them, they don’t think I’m good enough for them.’
‘Mmmmm,’ said the woman, thoughtfully, ‘in my experience middle class Cunts can be a bit defensive. What about foreign Cunts have you tried any of them?’
‘Hmm, I’m not sure whether I’m quite ready for them, I’ve heard they can be a bit of a hairy ride.’
The woman started giggling. She was enjoying herself.
‘Do you think the more members a Cunt has, the more experienced it tends to be?’
‘I’m not so sure. I think it depends on the enthusiasm of the individual Cunt.’
‘And when you say you have to be fit, how fit do you have to be?’
‘Ah, well again, there are no set rules. I would say the fitter the better. For instance I joined a new Cunt last week and it seemed I was riding forever. But having said that, some of the old Cunts expect a lot more of you, and while they admire enthusiasm they also respect technique.’
Mike and the woman were plainly enjoying themselves, she was holding her hand up to her mouth trying to control her laughter.
‘This Cunting sounds fun’.
‘You should come on a Cunting party some time, it’s great fun.’
‘I’d love to, when’s the next Cunt on?’
‘Well, that depends,’ said mike.
‘Well, the conditions. The mood needs to be right.’
‘Do you think the mood’s right?’
‘Oh, I think it is but we need to identify a location where the Cunting can take place. You see the object of Cunting is to be a healthy, fun sport that everyone can enjoy. You need the space, you must get fully involved, that’s why we’re trying to increase membership. ‘‘Come Cunting’’, that’s our slogan.’
‘Sounds like a lot of fun,’ said the woman.
‘Oh it is, believe me. Cunting is my passion.’
The woman started to laugh again.
‘So how could I join?’
‘Oh, that’s easy, we need all the women we can get. In fact the women control the entry of new members. In fact, Women are the whole point of Cunting.’
‘I see, so in fact, the more members I could introduce to a Cunt….’
‘….the more enjoyable the Cunt becomes,’ finished mike.
They were really enjoying themselves now.
‘CUNTING…,’ said the woman, ‘…has a kind of ring to it. How long have you been involved in the sport?’
‘Well …’ said Mike, raising his eyes thoughtfully, ‘ever since I was a kid I wanted to join a cunt but I was too young. The first time I successfully went Cunting was when I was eighteen but I was so excited it was all over pretty quickly, I’m afraid the rest of the Cunt wasn’t too pleased.’
‘Oh dear, but I take it you’re much more experienced now?’
‘And are you committed to a particular Cunt or do you involve yourself in the activities of a number of Cunts?’
‘It depends on the circumstances. Right now I can see the opportunity of joining a new Cunt, but I’m not sure what it takes to join it…’
Mike rested his hand on the woman’s hip.
‘What do you think?’
‘It’s a fanny old world,’ said the woman, ‘you never know what might happen.’ She put her drink down.
‘This is a very big house,’ she said. ‘I’m going to find a room and I expect you to come Cunting for me….I also expect the ride of a lifetime.’
She left the room.
Mike caught my eye and raised his glass, smiling.
I turned back to the group, sick with envy.
‘… But why should we stop travelling by air when the Chinese are causing most of the pollution? …’